


this is... I don't even know

by HurricaneSystem



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Don't Like Don't Read, I don't even like wincest, I don't really write smut but it's smut, M/M, Short Sam Winchester, Smut, Why Did I Write This?, because it's a trauma response, this is a trauma response so please don't attack me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27695548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HurricaneSystem/pseuds/HurricaneSystem
Summary: Sam is in love with his brother and selfishly uses him and his love for Sam to get off even if it makes Dean disgusted with himself.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	this is... I don't even know

**Author's Note:**

> it's wincest. it's not very well written but for trauma response works I don't like to edit them. I'm sorry for mentioning trauma so much but I feel like it explains why I wrote something I think is gross.

It probably started when Sam turned 12. He finally got to hunt with his brother. He was actually hunting. Not all the time of course, but he wasn’t alone anymore. If he couldn’t go, chances were Dean couldn’t either. Of course during school they were both left behind, but Dean was always too busy with girls. Now his summers were spent hunting.  
Sam was sitting on the bed, his hair wet, a towel wrapped around his waist. He was listening to the shower and deciding what to wear. If Dean was here he would tell him to ‘just get dressed princess’ Sam's stomach twisted, butterflies flying downwards. Sam shook his head and went back to his clothes.   
He heard a bang in the shower and dropped the shirt he was wearing to walk over to the bathroom door.   
“De?” Sam called.   
“I’m fine Sammy” his voice sounded a little like a growl, and that did not help Sam’s situation.   
“Ok” Sam left the door. He just slipped on some boxers and sweatpants, deciding the Nevada summer warranted less clothing than usual. Dad hadn’t told them where he was going, or what he was hunting, just said it should take less than two weeks. They had just killed a vampire clan six hours ago, and bam, dad was gone. Hadn’t even showered. Sam was a little disappointed, usually John was in a good mood the first couple days after a hunt, and they’d sometimes go to an arcade if John got a good amount of cash at the bar. Usually it would only be one or two quarters, but Sam would just pick a game that would take a while. John would go and chat up some chick, and Sam would often have to wait for them to finish before they went home. Then dad would go meet that girl somewhere and come back sometime in the morning.  
Sam lay on the bed as he heard the shower shut off and glanced at his brother, eyes trailing down and away before Dean could see. Dean joined him on the bed also in sweatpants. His sweatpants hung low on his waist, and when he scooted up Sam couldn’t help but look.  
Dean reached over him to grab the remote and flicked through the channels seemingly unaware of his brother’s drumming heartbeat. Sam got up and moved to the other bed mumbling something about being tired. Dean flicked off the lights for him and continued browsing. After about half an hour later Dean hissed out “Sammy?” Sam stayed “asleep”. “Sammy?” Sam didn’t react. Dean let out a sigh of relief.  
Sam listened intently to Dean as Dean's breath got heavier. Sam fell very quiet trying to hear it. Sam memorized every sound.

When Sam was 14 Dean decided it was time for the sex talk. Sam sighed dramatically and fell onto the fake leather couch. Dean smiled at him and began.   
“Right, Sammy. You are at the age of puberty, the wonderful age where girls will throw themselves onto you.” Sam scoffed “what the girls will love you! You are adorable, girls love cute things” Sam pretended that he wasn't blushing. “Anyway, the girls will be all over you and you will have to fight them off, and”  
“What does this have to do with…. You know what” Dean got an evil glint in his eye.  
“You can't say it Sammy?” Dean got closer to Sam, got right in his face. Sam pushed him back, he was laughing at him!   
“Say it” Sam glared at him  
“Alright, alright, you don't have to say it now, but you will say it” Dean's eyes held terrible promises.  
“So, my little Sammy, this is where sex comes in” Sam blushed bright red. “If you've got a pretty girl, and she wants to do something with you, you have to be safe.” Sam turned away.  
“We are done with this” Sam stood up.  
“Well you're gonna end up getting some poor girl pregnant then”   
“I am not!” Dean raised an eyebrow “I'm not.” Dean raised his hands in mock surrender. Sam stood up and walked away from his brother.  
Dean looked around the room until his eyes settled on Sam's homework. He grinned, this would do just fine.  
“Where's my homework?” Dean smiled “you jerk! Where did you put it” dean shrugged.  
“What’s the magic word?” Sam looked at him confused. “Sam will never have sex” Sam glared.  
“Where” Dean just shrugged again. “Dean, I need to do it!” Dean looked at him blankly.  
“Have sex? Yes you do.” Sam tuned on his heel.  
The hours ticked by, and Sam's anxiety grew. It shouldn't be a big deal right? Sam walked up to dean. Dean turned off the tv and looked at him.  
“Sam will never have….” he took a breath and glared at Dean. “Sex” Dean grinned.  
“See Sam, that wasn't so hard” he retrieved Sam's homework but pulled his brother into his lap as he turned the tv back on.  
“Let me go, Dean” Dean pretended he had not heard. Sam wiggled. He felt something poking at him, and then he was off of Dean's lap, Dean was blushing profoundly and not looking anywhere near Sam. Sam just went over to the table and did his homework.  
Homework done, Sam went back to his brother. He took a breath then threw himself on his horizontal brother. He landed with his face on his brother's neck. Dean looked at him, but said nothing as Sam readjusted himself so he could see the tv.  
“I'm cold,” Dean nodded.  
They never spoke of it again

When Sam was sixteen the boys spent over a month without any word from their dad. Dean just shrugged. When their dad did come back it was just for a beer, then he left for another two weeks. Sam said he was going out and Dean nodded and mumbled something about safety. Sam didn't leave for very long and when he returned he came in silently as he didn't see Dean anywhere. Sam peeked through a crack in the door to the bedroom where he saw Dean. On Sam's bed. His hand lazily working. Sam swallowed hard.   
“Sammy '' Dean muttered and Sam thought that Dean had seen him. Dean's eyes were closed. Sam slowly entered the room and glided over to Dean. “Sammy” his hand went faster. His breath hitched. Sam shoved his hand down his pants.  
“Dean” dean's eyes shot open and he came. Dean froze, just watched Sam. Sam didn't know what to do either. “Can you help me?” Dean stared at him open mouthed as Sam both blushed and the puppy dog eyed him. Dean could never say no to his brother. Dean's lips wrapped around Sam's tip. He bobbed his head and Sam keened. “Dean” Sam waited for his brother to pull back. He didn't, he pushed his head until his nose was filled with Sams sent. Sam grabbed onto Deans hair and pulled. Dean swallowed and pulled off, not looking Sam in the eye.  
“I'm sorry” Dean's voice was hoarse. He went to take a shower and left Sam wondering if it had all been a dream. Dean never talked about it, never acknowledged it, but sometimes Sam would sneak into his bed at night. Sam would pull at his hand or hair, and Dean helped him. Dean always shut his eyes tight, and wouldn't let son touch him back, or kiss him. Sometimes he would hear Dean whisper things like “wrong” “brother” “kid” softly to himself. He knew Dean felt guilty, but he was too selfish to not. His brother loved him too, Dean loved him. Sam felt a swirl of guilt anytime he saw how his brother avoided mirrors. Dean didn't look at himself, couldn't look at himself.

When Sam was 18 he left. He went to Stanford, met Jess, pretended he was normal. Jess and him moved in together. They acted as each others gay beards, and were really close friends. Sam hooked up with boys who looked like dean. Sometimes they would call him things. Sam didn't care when they looked like Dean. Nothing lasted long. Sam missed Dean.   
When Sam was alone he would listen to Dean's favorite songs, sometimes even sing along.

When Sam was 20 he got really depressed. He just didn't care anymore. He stopped going out at all, and retreated back into himself, only emerging for classes.

When Sam was 22 Jess convinced him to go out with everyone. Sam was eventually left by everyone who was dancing, so he made his way over to the bar and sat by a man who seemed his type. The man glanced at him, looked him up and down and downed his beer.  
“Can I get you anything sweetheart?”  
Neither of them asked for names, they just crashed into the other man's hotel room. Sam gazed at the man on top of him, who was moving him like magic, like he was made for Sam. Their body's intertwined, Sam sounded angelic, the other man sounded, well he sounded like Dean, and that was more than enough for Sam.   
Sam was pretty sure his butt was going to hurt for a week. He hissed as he went to get up.  
“You don't have to leave '' Sam looked at him. “It’s late, a pretty thing like you could get snatched up” Sam fell back down. They turned backs to each other. Sam got up early, and got dressed, wrote the man a short note and went to leave and go home, thinking if he should call Jess to pick him up or not. He opened the door and squinted into the sunlight. He blinked a few times then froze. The impala.  
Sam folded Dean's clothes neatly and put his own beside them. He ripped up the note and slipped back under the covers and fell back asleep. He heard Deans feet hit the floor and opened his eyes slowly. Dean slipped into the bathroom pissed then walked back over. He glanced at where Sam had folded up their clothes. He looked for a long minute then looked at Sam. Dean went and cooked some eggs and Sam eventually ‘woke up’ when the eggs were finished Dean looked at Sam expectantly.   
“Aren't you going to come over here?” Sam shook his head.  
“My ass hurts” he pouted. Dean sighed and brought him a plate and some coffee. Sam smiled at him. Dean didn't smile back.  
“What brings you here?” Sam asked. Dean shrugged.  
“Just kinda winded up here I guess” Sam laughed  
“Bull” Dean did smile then.  
“I don't know why I'm here.'' Sam looked at him patiently. “I don't want to be here” Sam cocked his head “I just have someone here that I don't want to bother, so I wish I wasn't here so I wouldn't be tempted to bother him.'' Dean gave a humorless laugh.  
“And this guy is your…. Ex boyfriend?” Dean looked at him and shook his head.  
“He’s not…. We never went…. But…” Dean shook his head   
“He's not like that…. He's my brother”   
“Did you fuck your brother?” Dean jumped  
“No!”  
“Well it sounded like you did”  
“No, we just… we… our dad”  
“Family drama?” Dean nodded  
“I get that, my family's a mess,” Sam laughed dryly. They ate a bit more then Sam turned to Dean  
“So…. round two?”   
“I thought your but hurt” Sam smiled  
“It could always hurt more,” Dean grinned and rolled on top of Sam.  
“All right then”  
Sam savored this, it might be the last time Dean would ever fuck him. It was slower this time, more lazy. Sam whined, pushing himself up on Dean.  
“Calm down baby, I got you” Dean held him still and seemed to slow down even more. Sam begged with his eyes and Dean laughed and kissed him, moving up to a punishing pace. Tears streamed down Sams cheeks, and Dean kissed them away. Sam couldn't stop pleading for more, and Dean gave him more. Soon he was just reduced to whimpers and pleas. Nothing intelligible fell from his lips. Dean ran his fingers through Sam's hair. They breathed each others air and the world around them started to disappear.  
When Dean went to pull out Sam hooked his ankles together and pushed him back in.  
“Please” he sounded wrecked. They lay like that, Sam burying his head in Dean's neck.  
“Thank you,” Sam rested his forehead on Dean's shoulder.  
“Do you need a ride home?” the Dean asked quietly. Sam shook his head.  
“You sure?”  
“I'm fine Dean really” Sam rolled his eyes “you worry about me too much, I'm a grown boy” Sam pouted and hooked his ankles again. It took Dean a minute, then he froze.  
“I never…” Sam watched Dean's face go through confusion, fear, understanding, then panic. Dean tried to pull away but Sam just latched on.  
“Sam?!”

**Author's Note:**

> ha ha that was fun okay bye now
> 
> btw any spelling or grammar mistakes, I don't want to know, that's just what happens if you don't proofread beyond google docs spell check and have dyslexia


End file.
